Recently I heard a thought provoking quote that speaks volumes about 
listening.
“People don’t listen to what you say.
People listen to what they say to themselves about what you say.”
Think about it. When someone is talking to you, what are you thinking? About something similar you did once? About something related that you want to tell them? A question you want to ask? Or perhaps you are judging their remarks, behavior or even values. The bottom line is that much of what is said is rarely heard completely, but rather filtered, dissected, manipulated and then absorbed by the listener. So it’s no surprise when you hear statistics around listening and the lack of understanding that takes place. Here are a few interesting stats compiled by the International Listening Association (www.listen.org).
- Most of us are distracted, preoccupied or forgetful about 75% of the time we should be listening.
- We listen at 125-250 words per minute, but think at 1000-3000 words per minute.
- Immediately after we listen to someone, we only recall about 50% of what they said.
- More than 35 business studies indicate that listening is a top skill needed for success in business.
As a leader, listening skills are critical. A good leader has the ability not only to listen and comprehend what has been said, but to also make people feel heard through empathetic and authentic dialogue. This is not always the easiest thing to do, especially when working under pressure with multiple priorities.
As a coach, I make being a good listener a priority. Here are a few tips I subscribe to that can help make you a better listener.
- Be ready and open to listening. If your mind is on a thousand other things you will have trouble focusing on what is being said. Set up a future time to talk if the timing is bad.
- Listen without judgment. Approach listening with an open mind. If you have already decided on your response before hearing the person out fully, you have done yourself and the listener a disservice.
- Listen to understand, not to respond. Effective listening goes beyond hearing someone’s words. Get the gist of what is being said. Avoid the trap of figuring out your response while the other person is talking.
- Be quiet. Being quiet gives you the opportunity to hear the words, the tone, and the meaning behind the words. It also gives you the chance to observe the speaker’s body language and emotion.
- Let people finish their thoughts. In other words, don’t interrupt the speaker. When you interrupt someone, they can forget part of their intended message and not fully express the idea they wished to convey. This in turn alters the intended message.
- Give your full attention to the speaker. Whether you are on the phone or listening in person, it is essential to give the speaker your full attention. That means you are not answering emails, playing with your blackberry or shuffling papers. If you are having a live conversation, maintain eye contact, lean forward and show interest.
- Ask questions to ensure understanding
Just because you heard the words and observed the body language, don’t assume that you understand. If a particular point is unclear to you, ask a question to clarify it before you respond. Sometimes your questions will clarify a point for the speaker as well.
